You're Not Lost - You're Right Where You're Meant to Be
Learn the four stages of the change cycle to get closer to where you're trying to go
Change is inevitable. (Sing it like Celine: “It’s in-ev-it-a-ble.”)
Change is a natural part of life, but it often feels impossible or daunting. Just yesterday, I overheard someone say, “People don’t change.” And sure, past behavior can be a predictor of future behavior, but change does happen. Constantly.
The trick is learning that change has a rhythm. A cycle. And when we recognize the stages of that cycle, we can make choices that bring us closer to our North Star – the life that reflects who we truly are and what matters most.
Stage 1 of the change cycle cannot exist without a catalyst. A catalyst is something that happens in our lives that forces us to come face-to-face with who we are, what we believe, or the path we’ve been on.
These are some common catalysts, things that often force us to reevaluate:
Work-related: Layoff, return-to-office mandate, leadership shakeup, burnout, or realizing your values no longer align with your company
Life transitions: Becoming a parent, hitting an age milestone (35, 40, 45...), divorce or breakup, marriage, moving
Financial: Hitting a financial ceiling, crushing student loan debt, comparing your life to others on social media
Emotional or spiritual: Losing a loved one, leaving a religion, major therapy breakthroughs
When faced with a catalyst, it’s important to take time to pause, to breathe, to grieve.
I was 28 when I had to resign from my job. It was a job I had worked so hard for. I had the attitude of a 28-year-old and felt like I’d hit a major milestone. I was earning what seemed like a solid salary, managing a team (most of whom were older than me), and I had a sense of presence and authority on the college campus where I worked. I truly believed I was keeping that place afloat. My smarts, my ideas, my hard work. When I left, it felt unimaginable that things could move on without me. The grief was so real. Physical.
Life coach Martha Beck compares this first stage to the transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly. Before the wings come, the caterpillar literally dissolves into soup, melting down completely inside its cocoon. That lay-off (along with other big things happening in my life at the time) absolutely turned me into a soupy puddle. I had no choice but to completely dissolve what I thought I knew about myself and who I was.
In Stage 1, it’s common to say things like:
“I have no idea what the hell is going on.”
“This isn’t working, and I have no clue what would.”
If that’s where you are right now, try adding: “…and that’s okay.”
Say it daily. Hourly if you need to. “I have no idea what the hell I’m doing and that’s okay.” You are doing change exactly right. Grieving what you thought would work is part of the process.
For today, ask yourself: What, if anything, feels like it’s dying off in your life right now? Even if you don’t have the answer yet, just notice it.
And repeat after me: “I have no idea what the hell I’m doing and that’s okay.”
The good news is that after Stage 1 comes Stage 2, the beautiful dreaming about what could work. What life could look like. What you really, truly want. For now, though, stay exactly where you are. No need to rush it! In fact, the outcome will be much more beautiful if you don’t.
If you want support with this or any other stage of the change process, I’d love to help. Learn more at blackwellcoaching.com.
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